Not long ago, LesPark held a global lesbian event, in which "Xiaoyao Li" was honored as LesPark's Outstanding Anchor of the Year. She looked handsome and elegant in a suit and crew cut. Standing on the podium that day, she was almost the tallest one, which made her easily attract the attention of the crowd but also gave people a sense of distance.

When interviewing her, she told me about her experience with sincerity which touched me a lot. And while her story is no less than any great novel, I'm sure her feelings and experiences will be a glimpse of her own for many.

At first, she thought she was sick.

At the age of 16, Xiaoyao did a part-time job in a factory in the summer. There’s a girl living in the same dormitory, they two often cuddle to sleep. At that time, she felt very happy but did not find that it was a kind of love. One night, that girl was in the yard crying, because Xiaoyao help other girls get meals, which made her jealous. Xiaoyao then carried her from the first floor to the second floor and held her hands the whole time as she put her to bed.

Xiaoyao said they were very young at that time, so it was just very innocent girl-girl pure love. After the summer vacation, they each went back to school, the girl then found another boyfriend. At that time, Xiaoyao felt sick and never dared to think about what happened that summer vacation.

She was born in 1986, and she says that at that time, homosexuality was not permitted in their hometown. "I felt that this idea in my head must be wrong, and how could I have such a strange idea inside our family, and there hadn't been any such cases in the family before. So I forced myself to kill that seed of mine that was about to sprout. That seed didn't die, it's still buried inside."

Until the age of 23, she wore her long hair like all girls. At 19, she had a boyfriend and even thought about just marrying that guy. Because that's what her parents expected. But eventually, the two separated due to long distance. That was the only relationship she had ever had with a male.

It wasn't until she was 20 that she realized that at heart she was a lesbian, ending a 4-year long struggle. That year, she met a girl with short, cute and bobbed hair. Xiaoyao pursued her like crazy but was rejected, and that the girl even left the country to avoid meeting her.

"I cried for months, and since then I've been devastated, and I feel as if I'm hopeless. I decided to come to the lesbian community to find out what kind of things were in my bones that torment me for so many years. At the time I was twenty-one years old and was first introduced to the lesbian circle and it hasn't changed to this day."

At 22, she was forced to get married for her mother's sake.

When realizing she was a lesbian, Xiaoyao came out to her parents. At first, she told me that her mother was very open-minded and gave her tacit approval. But later in the conversation, she revealed to me what she hadn't wanted to tell me that her coming out ended in failure. Xiaoyao’s mother said that “no matter what, you must have a child. In that case, you can have someone take care of you when you’re old.”

So, at the age of 22, she had the bold idea to have a child of her own. She asked a relative who worked in a hospital to do three artificial inseminations before she succeeded in having a baby.

For the first five months, she did not go home. It was only after five months of pregnancy that she went home to see her mother. Her mother was angry and said that she was crazy, but she knew that her mother is sharp-tongued with a kind heart.

Because of her small-boned, the childbirth was painful and she had to have a C-section in the end.

And her mother would help her with the baby, as well as her stepdad's son, who would help pick up and drop off the kids when she wasn't home.

However, after having the baby, her family forces her to get married. So, she chose to get married to a young man she had known since she was 12 years old. The two people are asset independent and do not interfere with each other. She said he was like a family member, but there was no love between them.

They talked on the phone two or three times a month, and he would even offer to help when she got a girlfriend. "On the phone, he would ask me which girl have I been with recently. Do I have a photo?” We would put our heads together.

Although such a non-interfering relationship could probably last until old age. But she still wants to find a female partner to marry before she turns 39. So she told him last year, "I said I might find a woman to marry, then I have to get a divorce. And he said he would do it as the time I found that girl.”

I was thinking that maybe no one knows her better than someone in the same situation.

At 23, she cut her long hair and decided to be her true self.

When she became a mom and having a so-called “normal” family, she decided to be her ture self. She cut her long hair, like a rite of passage.

"Coming into this lesbian circle, I was conservative, still afraid to look inside myself. I’m not daring to face my heart. I'm thirty years old now, and when I was twenty-three, I choose to be my true self. So I cut my hair."

The moment she accepted herself, she felt relieved. Her hair was shorter and shorter over seven years, and she felt more relaxed day by day.

"Transitioning from long hair to short hair, I began to accept my true self. But the moment when I got the haircut, when others look at my eyes when walking on the street, there is still a little bit nervous inside my heart. But a year later, I was fearless. No matter what other people say, I lived for myself, you know.”

Now, though Xiaoyao still has to meet her partner's parents on New Year's holidays, she would bring her kids and wear a hat to hide her short hair. She would also bring her girlfriend to introduce her mom.

She said she enjoys the freedom a lot now: "I have fulfilled my mother's wish; I have a son. He (her husband) can also live his life now, and I have my own life. I took this path bravely, and you can also make it. I hope everyone can meet their true love."

She made her name Xiaoyao Li in her live stream, which means to live freely. She has compromised in her life, but still accepts her true self and struggles to move forward.

The last sentence she told me is: "I hope everyone can be brave to face their true self.”

Article from Juzi Entertainment