The "Abandoned Cat Effect" in Same-Sex Relationships
In same-sex relationships, the "abandoned cat effect" refers to a state where individuals, like cats that have been abandoned, are extremely afraid of being dumped in love and thus desperately try to please their partners. What exactly is this about? Let's break it down:
I. Common Manifestations: Fear of Loss Leading to Humility
Excessive Pleasing
For example, even if one is extremely tired, they might stay up late to wait for their partner who is working overtime, saying, "I'll wait for you." When arguing, despite feeling wronged, they might apologize first, saying, "It's all my fault." This is similar to how a stray cat obeys its owner unconditionally after being adopted, fearing being abandoned again.Sensitivity and Paranoia
If the partner replies to a message five minutes late, they might suspect they said something wrong. If they aren’t taken to a friend’s gathering, they might worry, "Does she think I’m embarrassing?" Due to the social pressures often faced by same-sex relationships, they lack a sense of security.Compromising for the Partner
Even if they dislike going to live music venues, they might accompany their partner every week. If the partner casually mentions liking someone who can cook, they might stay up late to learn cooking, enduring exhaustion and collapse, believing, "Only by becoming what she likes can I be loved."
II. Why Does This Happen? Three Reasons
Frequent Experiences of Abandonment
For instance, being rejected by family when coming out, or experiencing a sudden breakup in a previous relationship, which leads to a subconscious fear of being rejected again.Unequal Status in the Relationship
If one party is wealthier, holds a higher social status, or has more dominance, the other party may easily feel inferior, thinking, "I must please her to avoid being dumped."Unhealed Past Emotional Wounds
Experiencing a breakup via cold violence, being deceived about one’s sexual orientation, or being treated as a "substitute" can lead to the belief, "I must be better-behaved to avoid being abandoned."
III. How to Break Free from This State? Three Methods
Express Needs Boldly, Not Hide Them
Avoid always catering to the partner. For example, say, "I actually don’t like going to livehouse—can we go somewhere else next time?" Let the relationship become one of "equal 相处 (equal interaction)" rather than one-sided pleasing.Test the Partner’s Attitude with Small Actions
Deliberately "disobey" once—for example, if you usually say good morning every day, skip it one day. When the partner asks, playfully say, "I wanted to see if she would take the initiative to find me~" Use a relaxed way to confirm that "even if I’m not perfect, she won’t leave."Don’t Rely Solely on the Partner; Find Other Support
Meet other same-sex friends together and attend LGBTQ+-friendly activities to let each other know, "Our love isn’t lonely." Maintain personal hobbies—for example, while she plays games, you go to the gym—to prove, "I can live well without her," but still be willing to share life with her.
A Reminder for Partners: Don’t Take Her Pleasing for Granted
If she always pleases you, don’t feel "satisfied." Instead, pay attention to:
Don’t threaten her with "break up" or "my ex was better than you," as this will make her more afraid of being abandoned and trap her in a cycle of "the more she pleases, the more she gets hurt."
Give her a sense of certainty, such as agreeing, "We’ll date every Wednesday unless the sky falls." When arguing, first comfort her by saying, "I know she’s angry because she cares about me," then communicate gradually.
Finally:
True love allows her to be a cat with claws. When two people are together, it’s not about "adopting a stray cat," but about two cats sunbathing side by side—occasionally squabbling, but knowing she will never leave you in the storm. You deserve to be loved just because you are you, without having to be deliberately sensible. If she truly loves you, she will embrace your temper and cherish your scars.
